Too Bright to See Too Loud to Hear

"Good God, can you still get us home?
How can we still get home?"

I've felt that lately. How am I, an unworthy sinner, supposed to be able to get to heaven. After all of this do I deserve it? Do I deserve the love and the grace and the mercy that my lord has given me? The answer is no. No I don't deserve it. But then,

"We're forgetting our forgiveness."

That's it. It's so true and simple. It's exactly what I forget. He has already forgiven me. He knows my faults, he knows that I will let him down and yet he still chooses to love me. He loves me no matter what.

Now I just have to learn to find it and to feel it. I know that it is there. I know that he loves me, but it's a hard thing to always find and to see. When times get tough and things are hard, I still have to remember that he is watching over me and that he loves me. He wants what is best for me and he wants me to follow him. That's what I have to do.

Remember that he is love.

Adjustments

The first month or so at college has been really hard for me. As much as I hate to say it. It hasn't been what I had hoped for.

Lets not dwell on that though. What is important is that I have realized that things aren't how I want them to be. I am making a change. I am reconnecting and re-energizing.

College...

Ughh its rough.

I don't like change.

I'm making it though.

Update

I apologize for not writing in so long. I really haven't been too busy. I just haven't made time for it. I have been really tired and haven't felt like it. It's dumb. I had a great time at warped tour and have a lot to say about that. Orientation went well, though I'm pretty stressed about college! Boo political science!

Well I am about to leave again for two more weeks. Mission trip in Denver then off to counsel at three mountain. I am looking forward to them both in different ways. Denver will be a great experience. I'm excited to see how God uses me and everyone in the next few weeks.

Been Awhile

Well it sure has been a rough couple of weeks. However, I can proudly say that I think I am handling it pretty well. I am trying to look to God in all the situations and do what I can to find him. I know that he has a plan for me and is trying to tell me something.

It is difficult, but I think that I am finally learning to trust him. It is late, and I feel something deep coming on, so I'm probably just going to cut it off here. Thank God for the work he has done in our lives.

Yes

Just some quick thoughts from church tonight.

What is the difference between God saying "no" and God saying "fight a little bit for it." How am I supposed to know when God just wants me to work a little harder at something. If I believe that perfect love never fears, then shouldn't I believe that God will always take care of me? If he is always taking care of me then when he says no I should take it for that and know that I don't need it.

That isn't my life or my faith though. God doesn't simply tell us what we can or cannot do. He wants us to have to work at it sometimes. All of our hard decisions are not bad, and not all the easy ones are good. We have to work at our faith and work to trust our God; it isn't always easy.

I'm still curious however, and I am sure that I will be for some time.

-Have a blessed day

Gives Me Hope

If you have ever been to fmylife.com then you know that it is full of depressing and pretty sad stories, although pretty funny. Today though, I stumbled upon a new website that is very similar.

It is called gives me hope. Instead of people complaining about how terrible things have happened to them, it shows people being uplifted by events in their life. It is a nice alternative and its refreshing to see something like this. If you get a chance you should check it out.

Just thought I would throw that out there.

-Have a blessed day

Oh my God, why have you done this to me?

why

my lord, you are supposed to be my strength,

to build me up.

"You're tearing me down" I shout,

but you are patient and gentle with me.



I run and try to escape you.

I am angry and hurt.

I don't see why you would ever put me through this.

I get it,

only part of it,

I see why it must happen,

but like this?

My God, why like this?

I scream and I cry;

I am angry at you and I doubt.

"If you loved me then why must it be like this?"



I drive,

drive and I drive.

Then,

I know it. I see it.

Right in front of me.

You did it for me.

For us.

You are showing me how it has to be,

just you and me.

There it is, I asked you to show me,

and there it is.

I know it is your answer.

I have no doubt.

Where else could it have come from, so obvious and easy.

You love me and want me.

I was getting distracted;

loosing sight of you,

and you pulled me back in.

You showed me that you are all I need.

I had lost my focus and you showed me the way.



That wasn't it though,

Lord,

that wasn't it.

You used this for more than just that.

Even after I thought I had it all figured out,

you corrected me again.

Like a child,

almost there, but still struggling.

How could I think that was it?

How dare I be so selfish?

Oh no, it isn't all about me,

i'm only a tool.

My feeble mind cannot comprehend

you.

All I see are glimpses

and

I hope I am getting it.

this is just as much a lesson for them also.



You speak to

me

and tell me that

you are God.

I am learning

you have powers beyond my belief.

I am learning

to trust.

My God,

you have a plan.

Take me and use me as you will.

Show me how to fall back on you.

I want to be

yours.

Ok, Quick Thought

Happened while I was showering. Weird, I know.

But why don't I show my faith off more? Such as saying God bless you instead of simply bless you or have a nice day. Wouldn't it make it easier to break through the religious barrier I face sometimes? Wouldn't it make me more comfortable sharing my religion?

First Official Day of Summer

Well here it is. Up until today, it actually hadn't hit me. I was sitting there, wondering what I was going to do today, and there it was, it is actually summer now.

Not only is it summer, but my last summer, the summer right before I leave for college. What a intimidating thing to say. This year has been great for me though. Last week at church we did an activity where we wrote how we have seen God in our lives over the last year. I wasn't really feeling into it at the time, not for anything specific, I just couldn't really decide what I wanted to say.

The thing is, I have done that all year, so I guess when there is one moment when I am supposed to look back on it all and say, "wow look what God has done for me," it has been pretty hard. It seems like way too much to write down in a mere paragraph, though ironically, that is probably what is about to happen. I just never realized how much God could change me in a simple years time. Whether it has been through new friends and relationships, or a new attitude on life, I think I can be very confident that I am not who I was this time last year.

I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe it is just me, maybe it is my group of friends, or maybe it is what happens to most people during their senior year. It has been a pretty rough change though. I finally understand how it feels. I just don't feel as well connected with everyone like I used to. I have a very small, close knit group of friends and that is about it. I am still distancing myself from them however. The people I was closest to last year simply aren't very close right now. It has been hard on me. I'm torn between whether I have distanced myself, or if I have simply changed and we just naturally grew apart.

I think I have matured very much in the past year and had many realizations about who I am or who I was. I know I still have a very long way to go, but I am excited to see where God is leading me. I thank him so much for what he has done to me and where he as put me. I might have changed, but I'm sure it was for the best. I have built strong relationships in place of some that might have grown apart, and I am working to keep those strong also.

College is ahead and who knows what lies in store for me there. Hopefully this summer I can continue to put myself to use for God. My closest friend is leaving soon and this summer will be much harder without him, but I know that God has a plan in store. I have relationships that I need to rebuild and new ones to make. For as much as I have grown this year, there is much more left to come. God, please take my hand and guide me through.

Have a blessed day.

The Aggrivation!

Just to let everyone know, I have officially decided that the Ps2 is the work of the devil. Recently I have decided that I would like to become nostalgic and play my beloved final fantasy games again. What with summer and all this free time I figured why not, I have the time. Wrong. Turns out this is the machine of death and it will not read a single disc that I put into it. I don't know how to make it work and it is obviously causing me grief. I will never be happy again!! This is such a dumb problem to have.

Well off to a better topic. Today I got to plan out an adventure. Now I just need to fix my ripstick so it will work. If anyone knows if regular roller blade wheels work on a ripstick please let me know.



Oh you Ps2 and keeping me from my childhood. How I resent you.

Have a blessed day

Almost there!

Wow this has been a lot harder than I expected. I figured that I would be really hungry for the first day or so, but after that it would pretty much just be a dull pain. that part I was right about. Too bad I didn't expect the super low energy, or headache, or constant pain in my whole body. It has really made me think. I'm only doing this for about 3 days. That is nothing. Many people fast for longer than this. Jesus and many others fasted for much more than I am doing. Some went many more days without food, while others went days without food or drink.

This to me shows how much more I have do grow. I still have so much closer with God I can get. It is tough, but I'm growing from it. Never before did I realize how hard fasting was and how serious it is when spoken of in the bible. All the stories about fasting I have never truly taken seriously. I have just read them and never realized how hard it is and how strong the people were that did it for so long.

As I am writing this I am struggling with whether or not I should even make a post about this. As I was reading I have come across scripture that says to essentially keep it to myself, not to do it for glory from others, but to keep it in secret between God and I (Matthew 6:16-18). I have reflected on this, and I do not think that I am writing this to be boastful in anyway, nor am I trying to say that I am more superior to anyone else. I am merely expressing my feelings on the matter. Still this is an important thing to remember, I do not need to draw attention to myself for this. I know that I have been showing how tired I have been, and I really think that this is something I need to work on. I should not be making it apparent that I am fasting. It is tough, but something I need to work on.

So far I have learned how small I am compared to God. I have realized how much I rely and look forward to food; how unnecessary the foods I eat are. At this point I would gladly eat anything. Why do I make meals such and extravagant part of my life. I need to eat the best food, only what I want to eat, and I must enjoy it. Where in reality all I need is something to sustain me. God will provide with what I need. I must look to him and trust in him. That is something that I truly need to work on. What a growing experience this has been, hopefully I can take what I have learned so far, and what I will continue to learn, and apply it to my life in the future.

Have a blessed day.

Food?

Well lots on my mind right now. Tomorrow my friend and I plan to begin a three day fast. When asked why at first I was fairly unsure. I knew that I was doing it for religious reasons, but I wasn't actually sure what those were. Recently I have put thought to it and realized that I am doing this to build my faith up. Throughout the bible there are many times when apostles, prophets, and kings fast to show their humility and their subservience to God. As I have thought about it, I realized that I do not do these in my life very well. Rarely do I give thanks to God for everything in my life or realize him as my lord and God. I'm really not sure what this fast will hold in store for me or what it will be life. But what I do know is that I will use it as a humbling experience. Every time I feel and pang of hunger I will take it as a reminder of my God and how he is in control of my life. The pain I feel is nothing to what he has done for us. I will use the time that I have used for food, and instead use it as time to reflect on God's glory, to praise and spend time talking to him, and to delve into my bible and understand his word. I'm so excited for how this will affect my life and my faith; I want to draw myself closer to my God and build a stronger, more intimate relationship with my Lord.

This Had A Lame Title, So I Deleted It

Well, just a little bit of forewarning on this one, I'm pretty sure it will be a long one.

So today was Baccalaureate at my school. For anyone who doesn't know, Baccalaureate is the religious side of graduation, essentially it is a religious service for the graduating class and families. It started out with the usual, the band played as we all walked in and was followed by a prayer to start us off. The Bell choir sang The Lord Bless You and Keep You and also another song that I'm not sure what it is. Then we had the sermon. I'm very frustrated with myself right now as I cannot remember the name a of the speaker. I know he had a doctorate and a masters in ministry and divinity, and I also know that he used to be an assistant principal at our school. He was also a football coach at Permian I believe and has done sermons for the Sooners religious groups. He lives in Arlington and is a local preacher at a Methodist Church I believe.

He had a powerful message. Spoke on the topic of dreams, dreams and how we can, and should attain them. He told us that he had been reading a book on dreams when he was asked to speak to us and that he felt that this was a great moment for him to speak out and to share this message. One of the main scriptures he used was from proverbs 13:19 in the New Living Translation.

"It is pleasant to see dreams come true,
but fools refuse to turn from evil to attain them."

That alone was a powerful message. How often do we truly think of that. Do you turn from evil to attain your goals, or do you just put them on hold because it is the easy thing to do? How many times have we given up on something because we were too engulfed in evil, it was too much a part of our life and we were afraid to change it? He made a great point when he brought up how we view and run from evil. If evil was simply the little creature in the red costume with the pointy horns, how hard would it be for us to just turn away and say no? It evil was ugly and unpleasant looking would it be hard to turn away from? No, the thing about evil is that it looks so desirable. It is so pleasant and alluring that we are drawn to it, not pushed away from it.

He told us a story from his life in college. He came from a poor town and was pretty much living off of his scholarship money to get through college. He got his vouchers and used them to pay for his tuition and books. Then he took on a part time job to get a little spending money. This is the point where he was shaken. He was out on his way work and looking out the window of his friends car he said that he fell in love. She was a Chevy Nova, cherry red with 350 hp, and priced at $1100. He couldn't afford that, there was no way that he was ever going to be able to make that kind of money. He dreamed and drooled over that car and then he got a phone call.

They said that his scholarship money was in and that he would need to come pick it up. Thinking that he has already used his money to buy his books and everything he is shocked when they tell him that he is getting a refund of $1200. He can finally afford her. His dreams can now come true.

Later on, while in his dorm room, one of his friends friends drops by because he heard of the refund. He offers to double the money within a week. Curious, our preacher asks him how, and is told that if he gives this guy his money, he can go out and by and sells drugs and split the profit with him. Our preacher immediately says no and asks the guy to leave.

Then a few days pass and he remembers something his father used to tell him: "never put all your money in one item, always keep a some money in your pocket." Now he has come to a dilemma. And at this point Mr. Drug Dealer smells blood. He comes by again and offers his proposition. Sensing the hesitation he is quick to reassure him that he can get all his money doubled in a week and that he can be trusted, no worries. Our preacher, after much deliberation, decides that he will give him $500 and if he works that our that he will give him the rest later.

As it turns out, the guy used the money, bought drugs, and was using them with his girlfriend. Horrified, our preacher storms up the floors and confronts him. The guy confesses and apologizes and tells him that he will get the money back.

As small of a dream that it might be, he almost lost his dream car because he didn't stay strong. On a larger, and much more important scale thought, he almost lost everything. You see, the other guy said that he had a gun. Our preacher had gotten himself into a mess. He was mixed up in some shady things that he should have just stayed out of. All his dreams, his whole life could have changed right there.

It all really made me think. I wish that I had a video or someway to convey everything he said, but I hope that the point was made. It is a problem that every man, from the beginning of time has a had to deal with. Evil is always around, lurking and waiting to seduce us to give in to it. We have to focus our dreams, and keep our eyes set on our goals. We can't let the world get in the way any stop us.

Just as important though, is what we set as our goals. Are your goals selfish goals, or do they benefit others? Are your goals worldly, or will they continue with you on into heaven? I think these are all important questions we must ask ourselves.

Now the second part of the post, and the shorter part.

Baccalaureate was a great experience and something that really made me think. One of my biggest fears about college is finding a strong church home; being able to place myself in unfamiliar territory and worship the same as if I was at home; be comfortable to show my faith in a strange and new place. I'm terrified. Baccalaureate really helped to alleviate some of those fears though. I was sitting in a room, full of my school friends, people who I much too rarely share my faith with, in a church service, hearing the words of God. It really made me think why don't I do this more often, it isn't bad at all.

It was different than ours at Legacy, but it was still a good service. The preacher was Methodist, but I really enjoyed him. It made me want to go visit other churches, to see what other services are like, to praise and worship God with people that I have never met before. I'm really excited about it. I think it will totally change my worship and open my eyes to new experiences. I love my church, but I think that this will be a positive experience, and definitely something that I can learn from.

Thank you lord for what you have done for me. You are an awesome and almighty God. I am yours and thankful for it. I want to live my life for you always.

Have a blessed day

God really spoke to me tonight. I don't even have time to go into everything that was said, or how i feel about it all, but i just wanted to say that I heard his voice. He was calling me to live for him. To allow myself to be used for his work. To give my life for him. I yearn to accept it and I plan to. I hope that I can truly be a light for my God in this world. I need some help though. Keep me accountable. Call me out, I can take it. I can't wait to see what the next year hold for my friends and I. I will be amazing to see how we all change, scary, but amazing.

That, in a short version, is what I was thinking tonight at our senior banquet. It was a great time and I loved it all.

Retreat Time

Well, today we got back from the retreat. It is sad to say that it is my last one, but nonetheless it was a good way to say goodbye. We talked about our image, of ourselves and how we look to others. It was a pretty important message; one that if taken seriously, I think can really make some differences in peoples lives. We need to understand that we are all unique and special. God made us for a reason, each and every single one. No one is a mistake to him. We each have a purpose and he loves us each as much as the next.

It was also the goodbye to the senior retreat. It was nice to hear what people had to say, but what I liked even more was the journal idea that we had. Everyone had their own journal for the weekend and they sat out so others could write in them. Many people wrote in each others and they were filled with much encouragement. I know that what I read really lifted my spirits and has helped me to be strong. I love our youth group. I worry about it sometimes, but this weekend I saw everyone shine.

This morning, as we usually do, we had our solo time. During this time I chose to read what was written in my journal. I also decided to write a prayer down during this time. This is how it goes:

Oh Lord my God, what a wonderful creation you have made. I know that no matter what I am yours. The power and strength you have continue to amaze me. I can do everything through you. Without you I would not be where I am now. You have caused me to grow and to always look for you. I have become who I am all due to you. I thank you so much Lord. I know that in everything I do you love me. It is a wonderful feeling. My hope and drive come from you oh Lord. When I look at myself, I see what you have given me and it is great. Your plans will never cease to amaze me God. You are the source of my joy, but more that that, my life. I can never thank you enough, my God almighty, I live for you.

Have a blessed day.

Time For The Retreat

I'm super excited about tomorrow, I can't wait! It's my very last high school mission trip and I will very much miss it. It's amazing to look back through the years and see what I have grown from and into. My faith has really developed this year and I think this will be my best retreat yet. Having the ability to take a weekend off, relax and allow my faith to take hold, is amazing. It should be fun.

On another note. I went on a field trip today to the longhorn caverns outside of Austin. Let's just say it was a great trip. Definitely better than I had expected from it. Those sure are some sweet caves down there!

Thank the Lord for everything he has provided for us

Hebakkuk: raises more questions than it answers

Well it has been awhile since I updated and i told myself i would do this more often, though i really should be doing my homework.

Tonight in bible study we read Habakkuk and the main question was: why is there evil? Basically it seemed that the answer was that there is evil because it is all part of God's plan. He uses it to make points, or to show people how to act. But the problem is, and you can attribute this to my IB/TOK education, it makes me wonder, do the ends justify the means? I know it is God and all, and I am in no way questioning is authority or his plan. I know that he has it all set out for us and he would never do anything to hurt us or keep us away from him. However, why bring up evil to quell evil? It doesn't compute for me.

I know that God is outside of my logic, I know that he understands things that I never will be able to. But the question was raised nonetheless, and it makes me wonder. He uses the Babylonian people, a godless and vicious people, to teach the Israelites a lesson. It just seems almost redundant to me. For, to teach the Babylonians a lessons, wouldn't he have to bring up another nation? I get the basic concept, I am just spilling my thoughts. Thinking on paper, if you will.

Just something to think about.

Today is the day.

Well I guess that I will finally start to use this. It has just been sitting here for awhile because I refused to join the craze of bloggers, but the more I think about it the more I begin to like the idea. I figure it can't be all bad to get what my thoughts on the paper, maybe even share them with a few people. I'm not quite sure how I plan to use this, but I hope to stick with it.

Recently, in my English class, we (were supposed to) have read, and have been watching, A Man For All Seasons by Robert Bolt. The book is set in the time of Henry VIII, the one that split from Catholicism and started the Church of England so that he could get remarried, and focuses upon Robert More. More was the Chancellor to the King at the time when he was seeking his divorce from Catherine; he was also one of the Kings most trusted and honored friends. The story is very interesting as it focuses upon, not the King, but the choices made by More. You see, he was asked by the King to support his divorce and he could not. He was asked by the King to support his break from the Catholic church and he could not. He was forced by the King to take an oath admitting the King as the head of the church and he could not. In the end he was charged for high treason and beheaded.

While the fact that he stuck to his decision is, at the least, admirable; during the whole ordeal he would not speak-out against the the King and his actions, but merely kept quite is what I find to be interesting. He had a very strong sense of self; nothing could change how he felt or what he believed to be right. Along with that sense of self, however, is a man that is not over-bearing, not pushy, but a man that allows others to make their own decisions; while all along, sticking to what he believes in, but not hiding it. He has a family consisting of a wife, a daughter, and a son-in-law; all of whom he cares for (well maybe not the son-in-law so much, he was a Lutheran). It was made clear that he hopes for them to go to heaven. He wants in every way for them to be as happy as possible. Yet, he does not force them to be silent also; they all take the oath and are free from the wrath of the court. He is not downtrodden on their decision; he tells them he cannot, but he never tries to force them to do as he says.

There are many lessons I see and tangents I could go off on from this book, but I think I'll head in this direction for now. I think that we struggle with doing what More has done. How often to do we try to push our beliefs or our ways onto someone else? When someone goes against our beliefs, how often do we try to correct them and force them to see our way? Instead I think that we should stand strong in ourselves and lead them by an example. We don't have to force feed our beliefs down their throats, a simple explanation and conversation about them should suffice. We weren't called make the tree, but simply plant the seed. You can't force someone into something, they have to make the decision to do that on their own. They are the only people that can make the decision about whether they are ready or not. Simply putting the idea out there and making it available is a huge step, and can be an easy way for them to turn around.

I know that we have had many a lesson on this subject, and it has always been something I have struggled with, but I think that this has really helped me to gain a more firm idea on how I see and feel about it.

"The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you."

-John15:19 (NLT)

I always struggled with the word "hate" in this verse; I always wondered how strong the hate had to be, but I don't think it means that we have to make them hate us, just simply that they will. We shouldn't behave in a way to give them a negative outlook on us; that would be impractical, but we should act in a different way than them. More was obviously hated by the world, but he never spoke out against them; he merely lived a different life than they had expected of him. He chose to save his eternal soul as opposed to his time on earth. I know that is a bit drastic of an example, but the same principles apply to our lives.

So I guess in retrospect, don't be pushy! Stand firm in your beliefs, but be friendly and live a happy, enjoyable life; people will appreciate it.