Also, I found myself writing this, not for myself, not because I needed to be writing it, but because I wanted to leave a certain image or have an impact. It didn't feel right so I stopped because I, in a way, felt fake.
On top of both of those reasons, I found myself in the middle of a very tough year full of transition and growth. I was very unsure of who I was and what I would be like. I slacked off in many areas of my life and wasn't quite the person I wanted to be. Not to say that I was a bad person, but I set a higher bar in my life than I was achieving.
My senior year in high school I had a very strong group of friends who were great influences on me. A majority of my time was spent with that group of friends or doing other activities at, or with, the church. I felt very close to God and I was striving to continue build that relationship. I yearned to become a better person and a stronger Christian. This blog, during that time, reflects those thoughts and feelings.
However, when I went off to college I was lost. It was a completely new place; with new friends, church, and life. I had a hard time adjusting to losing the people I held dearest to my life. You might be able to say that I was depressed, I wouldn't quite know how to diagnose that. I went through the motions of my life, but it was all just a shadow of what I was. I still went to church, school, work; the difference was that I had no desire to be doing any of those things. I kept to myself a majority of the time. I only made slight efforts to meet new people and the desire came sporadically and often vanished quickly.
As a result of this I (at this point I almost deleted this because I feel like I am whining) spent a lot of time in my room doing a lot of nothing. I killed time playing video games and watching pointless tv. I had simply lost my desire to do things that used to interest me. I let my faith get pushed aside and become much less important to me. I stopped trying to push it and as a result it became stagnate. My prayer life diminished and I felt far from God.
I mean things could have turned out much worse, but I was not proud of who I was. Now I think things have changed. Maybe after spending a year here I have become more accustomed to the area and the people. Maybe its the duplex we have; the dorm just killed me. I can't say what reason I really have, but I do know that I am vowing to make and change and have a better, more purposeful year.
I have decided to change my point of view about this blog. I got lazy and very intimidated by the thought of writing in this. ( Second time I almost deleted) I will be writing for myself. A way to remind myself of what I was thinking and goals I have. I will also aim to be less critical of myself and accept my writing style (I guess). Thank you Allan for the nudge to finally get through this wall and get started again.
This year I plan to:
- Actually start making it a point to read my bible.
- Make a point to stop and help people on the road that need it.
- Show the love to others that my lord has given to me.
- Study for tests, not just cram for finals.
- Learn how to cook. Like really cook. Not just grilled cheese and pasta.
- Be more outgoing and do things. Less time sitting in my room and more time out building relationships.
- Take the initiative and volunteer at the soup kitchen, do hype (an inner city ministry for children in college station), and help out at the lincoln house of hope like i keep "planning" to do at least once.
- Write my ideas down here. And stop erasing them, thinking they are dumb, or being too lazy to actually write.
We recently got back from a retreat for the incoming freshman with the Aggies for Christ. The topic of the retreat was based off of the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. I, for some reason, have still yet to read the book. It has been in my possession for almost a year now and I still haven't gotten to it. As I said, I put a lot of stuff off. But I really enjoyed the retreat. The idea is something I have struggling with in my head for awhile. If God has such an intense, crazy (if you will), love that he was able to do what he did, then why am I so lazy. He was able to come to earth and be an example to us, while suffering the entire time, so he could go to the cross and die so that my sins could be forgiven. Which is something that I definitely do not deserve. He does all of that and how do I repay him? I fall away during the year that I probably need him the most, I say half hearted prayers, and I don't show his mercy or love to those who need it from me. We have to make a change in ourselves. We can't just be complacent and lazy. We have to strive to build and strengthen our relationship with God and with our brothers in Christ. I think that we are all afraid to make the changes necessary. We tweak a few little things and hope that it works. But his crazy love calls for our complete devotion, it requires a total makeover of our life. It's intimidating and scary to think that we have to make such major changes and I think that is why we hold back so much. We are so comfortable in who we are and what we are doing that making a big change is just too much. But I do think that is what we are called to do as christians and I fully believe that if the change is made it, then the result is entirely worth it.
I think things are starting to look up down here in College Station.
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